heaven is testing my determination

i know i ain't the clever type.
but, i never felt so stupid before.
like seriously, i feel that I'm such a failure.
why couldn't i handle it better? why can't i?

I'm nothing but such a disappointment. 
I thought I could manage some of the paper.
the least I expect I would flunk it.
yes, I failed all my modules.
I couldn't believe my own eyes too.
I keep refreshing and refreshing hoping that it'll change.
it din. it stays the same.

it hurts more when I know how mum will be disappointed with my results.
till now, I dare not break this news to her.
it even hurts more, when the doctor says if she carry on like this,
she could only live for weeks or months.
yet, I can't made her feel better and gotten myself into this kinda shit.

the feeling is like I rather die off then to see her disappointed face. 
I'm really upset about myself.
what went wrong?!
I did try my best, perhaps not my very best.

I'm nothing but trouble. 

I could accept the fact that I flunk the modules.
I just couldn't accept the fact that I'm going to disappoint my mum.

suddenly, I couldn't see where's my future anymore.
there's so much I wanna achieve.
I had a goal but it's getting further away from me.
I could feel the distant when I once thought it's so near.
but, not anymore.

my cousin asked me this: 你有没有做好心理准备？
I told her even if I did, when she's gone. I really couldn't accept the fact.

she has yet attend my degree graduation ceremony.
she has yet seen me marry off.
she has yet carry her grandchild.
she has yet go oversea trip which I promise I would bring her go.

that day I told her my friends went taiwan.
she looked at me and say, you very envy?
I said no. I really mean so.
I told her if I have got the money, I would rather bring you and our family go then to spend the money on myself.
what's more important then kinship?

I might be stubborn but I'm very certain I'm not selfish nor self centered.
I appreciate whatever people have done for me.
if you're good, I'll be even better to you.

last year, I said I'll give you five years of my life.
I choose to believe my prayers will be heard.

momma, I love you.
I'm sorry to disappoint you again.